‘You didn’t come first’: Suriya’s powerful message to parents about ranks, pressure, and letting children be children

For many children, school is not just about learning anymore. It can also become a place where marks, ranks, and competition decide how successful they are made to feel. From comparing grades to expecting the highest scores, the pressure to “come first” can begin at a very young age. Actor Suriya once spoke openly about this pressure and urged parents to think beyond marks and ranks. An old video of the actor speaking with Vanitha TV has resurfaced on social media, with many people relating to his message about childhood, competition and the need to raise sensitive children. Suriya said parents can sometimes unknowingly put their own expectations and fears into their children’s minds.

‘You didn’t come first’ can stay with a child

Speaking about the education system and the pressure around high marks, Suriya recalled how quickly parents can focus on what a child did not achieve. “If they’re getting 18 marks, you’re not happy. ‘You didn’t come first. Oh, you didn’t come first at all in class.’ We put that in their mind,” he said. His point was not that parents should stop encouraging children to do well. Instead, he wanted them to understand how repeated comparisons can affect a child’s confidence. When children constantly hear that being first is the most important thing, they may start believing that coming second or third means they have failed. Over time, marks can become more important than learning, enjoying school or discovering what they are naturally good at.

Competition is not the problem, pressure is

Suriya made it clear that he is not against competition. He acknowledged that competition can be good and can motivate children to work harder. However, he warned against turning it into aggressive competition where children feel they must defeat everyone around them. “That hardcore competitiveness is nice. Just let them not be very, very aggressive about it,” he said, adding that children should also be taught to be sensitive towards others. He also pointed towards the larger education system, where university admissions and high cutoffs can create enormous pressure for students and parents alike. But according to Suriya, children also deserve opportunities to simply enjoy their childhood.

The sports day incident that changed his perspective

Suriya shared a personal incident involving his son Dev during a school sports day to explain what he means by success. Dev was taking part in a race where the children had to run, pick up a water bottle and return to the finish line. Suriya believed his son was one of the fastest runners and had a strong chance of winning. But during the race, Dev stopped to pick up a blue bottle because blue was his favourite colour. Then something unexpected happened. Instead of immediately running back, Dev began looking for another bottle. He eventually returned with a pink one as well because he knew his sister Diya liked pink. Dev did not win the race. But when he explained his decision to his father, Suriya realised that his son had chosen something more meaningful than winning. He had thought about his sister without anyone telling him to do so.

‘I am good at certain things’

There was another part of the incident that stayed with Suriya. When Dev saw another child finish ahead of him, he did not become jealous or upset. Instead, he openly accepted that the other boy was faster. “He runs very well. Nobody can beat him. He’s the fastest in our class,” Dev told his father. But he also understood that being slower in one area did not make him less capable. He added that he could draw well and that the other child was not as good at drawing as him. For Suriya, this was a powerful example of healthy confidence. “Nobody had coached him to think that way,” the actor said, explaining that Dev had naturally understood that different children can be good at different things.

Every child does not have to be first

Suriya’s message is a reminder that childhood should not become a race where every child is expected to reach the finish line first. A child may not be the topper but may be an excellent artist. Another may not be the fastest runner but may be kind, creative or a great friend. Some children discover their strengths early, while others need more time. Parents can encourage children to work hard without making them feel that their worth depends on their rank. After all, coming first in a classroom is only one achievement. Learning to appreciate others, understand one’s own strengths and remain kind while competing may be a much more valuable lesson for life.